User:Rough Fang/BlogArchive/History of the World!

A long time ago BC: The Big Bang happened. This subsequently started The Big Bang theory-a British sitcom about things.

AGRAGABRAGGA BC: Dinosaurs evolved. Soon, they evolved further, to the point where they reached a higher level of existence and transformed into cosmic beings of power. After a while they got bored of Earth and jumped into a spaceship and flew into space. However, some stupid Diplodocus left the air lock open and they all died. Their cosmic essence floated into space and became the sky. Their bones fell to Earth and became the mountains. Everything else just burned up in re-entry to the atmosphere.

Something BC: Neanderthals evolved. These creatures were known as the baby brother of mankind because they were all tiny and male. That's why they went extinct. They also invented accordions.

3100-or-whatever BC: Ancient Egypt came about. The Egyptians built the pyramids to function as four-sided slides so that they could play on them. However, they soon realized that to do so, they would have to get up to the apex of the pyramid. Which is REALLY difficult.

Um.... BC: Ancient Greece was founded. It was full of people who threw toga parties, had strange obsessions with pillars, worshipped the X-men and drank orange soda all night long.

100 BC: Julius Caesar was born. His first words were "Pudding fairies. They haunt my dreams".

Middle Earth AD: Medieval Europe. Hobbits were discovered but were quickly hunted to extinction by evil businessmen who seeked their hides to make surprisingly ineffective cup holders. Fishes learned to walk on land which led to the Great Fish Revolt.

Renaissance AD: The Renaissance period. Meat rained from the sky for seven days straight before people decided to start a huge cultural movement. This appeased the Great Meat God, Sausageusususus.

$14.92 AD: The Columbian Exchange took place. The British exchanged pastry recipes with the Native Americans before proceeding to decimate the Native American population.

15MEH AD: William Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet. A few years later, he wrote a parody of it called Antony and Cleopatra. Then time-travelling celebrities Jack Black and Kate Upton cryogenically froze him in a block of ice to thaw him out when the world needed him most.

EHHHHHH AD: Henry VIII was born. He invented the Hokey Pokey, the Cat Daddy and the Dodo bird. He was worshipped for centuries as the father of modern dancing and fat little birds.

179375(20987) AD: The French Revolution took place. Evil French lawyers led by Maximilien Robespierre, toppled the French monarchy. The Reign of Terror soon followed, so called because the lawyers forced everyone to wear bad business suits. Thousands died.

1837 AM-I mean AD: Queen Victoria reigned, resulting in the Victorian Era. Everyone was all posh and perfect and happy. Detroit Prime, a planet somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy sent a colony to America and the city of Detroit was founded.

1914 AD: World War I. Otherwise known as the FIRST WAR OF THE WORLDS. Planets involved were Earth, Mars, Saturn and Detroit Prime, who fought to reclaim its people.

1950 subtract 11 AD: World War II. The SECOND WAR OF THE WORLDS involved Earth, Mars, Venus, Mars 8, Mars 25 and Anti-Mars 3. Ben Franklin died while battling Voldemort.

2004 AD: Facebook was invented. An oracle foretold that one day it would destroy the human race. Facebook went rogue and attempted to exterminate the human race with an army of chicken-men. Mark Zuckerburg was all "You ain't gonna pull that on me" and started beating Facebook with a baseball bat. Facebook was all "Oh no you didn't" and pulled out a lightsaber. It was all CHING! CHING! BSSCCCH! PEW PEW PEW! BAJAJAJAJAJABOOSCH! "You're a stupid face!" "I know you are but what am I?" PEW PEW! BADADADADADAWHOOSH! CHING! CHING! CHING! Finally Mark Zuckerburg defeated Facebook with a Texas piledriver. He married a princess, divorced a princess and was subsequently exiled to the Wastelands where he died of nuclear radiation.This all happened within a day.

2012 AD: The world ended. I should not be typing this.

3007 AD: I am currently 1007 years old. I look like a burnt raisin.